every time i blink i have a tiny dream

i've had the last two days off of work.  it's been nice but i'm ready to get back to it.  i went shopping yesterday and bought waaaaay too many clothes.  they'll last forever though so i'm not too worried about it. 

i went home today after being at the office for like an hour cause i was sick.  i took a nap for a couple of hours and then got a much needed haircut.  it's not as short as i've been getting in recently, but it looks good, so that's all the really matters.

i'm going to see tegan & sara on thursday and i can't freaking wait.  it's been almost exactly a year since i've seen them so i'm due for a little canadian twin love.  then dahlia's coming on friday and i'm so so excited.  i haven't seen her in 10 months, which is way too long. satuday's my birthday so festivities should be happening all weekend.  i'm not sure how it's all going to happen since i have to work, but whatevs.  it'll be figured out.  after the weekend i have to work on monday and tuesday then early wednesday morning i'm heading to boston for six days of good times with ms. amanda bernal.  i've been looking forward to this for what seems like forever and i can't believe it's finally here.  i haven't seen amanda in six weeks and i haven't been to boston in god knows how long so the combination should make for a wonderful weekend.

i feel like i have a lot more i could write about, but i'm kind of tired and don't feel like straining to figure out what it is. 

i need to update more. 

hopefully i'll be able to keep up with it better now that i've done one.  hopefully.

i'm sitting at starbucks (shoot me) in crystal city waiting until registration for my training begins.  i'm glad that i have the opportunity to do this.  ever since i started my campaign job, and especially since i started doing organizing work, i've really grown to love working on a campaign.  the people that i work with, both in my office and the other ones in the state, are wonderful and i'm learning a lot.  i can really see myself working on campaigns for the first part of my career.  i don't know if i could/would want to do it forever, but it's definitely something that i want to do right now.  i don't feel like i'm really done seeing the country and traveling, so the possibility of being able to re-locate and experience other places is really good for me.  if i take the job full time i may even be able to relocate to connecticut until the election, which would only be a three hour drive, tops, to boston!!! 

the only thing that's kind of taking its toll on me at this point is the fact that i'm working about 60 hours a week, but a lot of that has to do with starbucks.  i really wouldn't mind being at the office for ten hours a day, but i keep having to force myself to go to work at starbucks.  i'm just so tired of feeling like i'm doing nothing with my life because of that place.  i am almost 23 (confused with all the lines in between... <3), with a degree, and my full-time job is serving coffee to pain-in-the-ass customers.  even though the fact that everyone on the campaign wants me to work full-time has boosted my confidence in terms of my work ability and showed me that i do in fact have the qualities and qualifications for a good job in my field, it still sucks that i'm just now getting into my desired field.  what can you do though?  as much as it all sucks, i'm glad that i'm at least getting closer to my current goal.

okay.  that's all for now.  i'm sure i'll post more about my weekend tomorrow night.  until then, have a good weekend everyone.

...that i could fall asleep at night.  i'm sick of not being able to turn my brain off at night and being tired all the time.  thank god for dunkin donuts.

cvi tried to write last night but i just wasn't in the mood/was waaaay too tired.  i've now ben awake for twenty hours and somehow i'm not too tired?  well, not too tired to at least give you a little list of the events of my last few days. 

in the last 48 hours i have:

-  completed my first jury duty experience
- decided that i 110% do not want to go into law as a result of said jury duty
- met my two new favorite baltimore homeless men and gave them money
- worked 18 hours (26 if you count duty)
- tried, and enjoyed brussels sprouts for the first time (i will only ever eat them from rocket to venus)
- laughed it up with many a people while watching the republican convention
- finished paying of one of my medical bills.  i still have a ton left but just knowing that i have one less per month is amaaaaaazing
- found out that i get to participate in the incredibly queer sounding camp equality this weekend, put on by hrc
- contemplated my current and potential future work situation a lot
- thought about what it would be like to live in connecticut, and a three hour drive away from boston, even if just for a brief period of time
- talked to ms. bernal on the phone a bit
- smiled a loooooot as a result
- shaved my mustache.  my facial hair is getting thick and dark enough that i actually have to do that now!
- started the book i was a teenage fairy
- had biscuits made on my belly by marx the cat
- missed amanda terribily the whole time

i think that's all i can muster up at this point.  hopefully i'll give a longer, more descriptive post soon.

i can't sleep right now and i'm not sure why.  i'm tired, but it's just not happening.  i've been online all night as if i haven't had internet access at all for a month or something.  i think i'm just really happy that i got my wireless fixed and can now sit in bed and be online all at the same time.

today was a fairly good day.  i woke up to four text messages, three of them being one big long one from jen about me working for the campaign full time.  they've been trying to get me to work for them full time for a couple of weeks now but no one's really been able to give me answers to any of the questions that i have about what that would entail.  i finally called jen today and told her that if they want me to work for them, they're gonna need to give me more information because even though i have no desire to work for starbucks for much longer, there's no way i'm quitting a steady job without knowing that i'll have another job lined up after the election.  so as a result of that phone call, i now have a meeting with jen and maddy (the campaign director) to discuss the job.  honestly, i really want to work for them.  i like the work that i do now, i like the people that i work with, and every time i work, i'm more and more convinced that campaigns are the direction that i want to go in for the first part of my career.  it's not the most glamorous or well-paying job out there, but it's something that i enjoy and am good at.  the only thing that i'm kind of worried about is the traveling aspect.  i love love love traveling and visiting/living in new places, but there are things in baltimore that i want to be around for.  i don't want to worry about whether or not i'll be able to see amanda when she comes home to visit, i don't want to worry about whether my car will make it to wherever i end up going or about transportation if i choose not to drive.  i guess all of these things get worked out though.  i'll obviously have vacation time so i could just use that when i know amanda's going to be back, and a lot of the campaign people live together it seems and i'm sure it's the same on other campaigns/in other cities so i guess the whole transportation thing would kind of work itself out there.  i don't know.  my gut is telling me to do it.  i think it's a good opportunity.  it would obviously add to my resume and i know i'd expand my network a lot.  hell, i already have and i've only been on this campaign for a few months.  i guess i should just stop thinking about it so much until i actually meet with jen and maddy and get some solid answers. 

in other news, i miss amanda.  shocking, i know.  but i'm doing okay.  i don't actually think that it's really hit me that she's gone though.  i mean, i know she's in boston, but it's only been three days since i last saw her, so at this point it almost feels like she's just on vacation or something, if that makes sense.  i'm sure once that week mark rolls around it'll be harder for me, cause that's about the longest we've gone without seeing each other since december.  there have been a few times in the last couple of days that i've suddenly remembered that she actually lives there now, and that i can't just drive down to rockville to see her if i wanted to, and i get sad, but for the most part i've been alright.  her random mid-day phone calls help a lot.  as stressed out and tired as i know she is with moving in, i can tell that she's happy, and that makes everything better for me.  hearing the happiness in her voice, even if it is slightly disguised by exhaustion, makes having to wait six weeks (october 8th!) to see her seem not as bad.  don't get me wrong, it still sucks that we have to wait so long, but knowing she's having a good time thus far makes it easier for me.  i can't wait til she starts classes soon and i get to hear about all the fun stuff she learns.

i suppose that's all for now.  i hope i'm finally tired enough to fall asleep.  i think i'll listen to some jason before i attempt that again.  goodnight.

:)

i miss her so much already.

i'm pretty sure that when i wasn't talking about her tonight, i was talking about something that reminded me of her.

things just aren't going to be the same around here without her. 

it's been a hard last 18 hours but somehow i'm still doing okay.  i had to say goodbye to amanda last night.  it's hard knowing that she's still so close but i can't see her.  but she's spending time with her family today so i'm totally okay with it.  i'll see her again in 41 days (not that i'll be counting or anything) and it will be amazing :)  i can't wait to spend part of my favorite time of the year with my favorite girl in a wonderful city that i haven't been to in years.

hobbes the cat died this morning/last night.  i knew it was coming soon but i'm still sad.  i've had him since he was a baby so it's hard to not have him around anymore, but he's been so sad the last week that i'm almost glad that he's gone and not struggling anymore.  he was a grumpy old man, but i loved him. 

i have a couple of more days off of work then i'm back full time.  i'm glad that i'll be working a lot so i can save money, pay off some bills, and have money to actually be able to do things while i'm in boston.  and get my new tattoo!  i've been struggling with work decisions lately.  my campaign manager wants me to work for them full time, and then move to another campaign after this one ends in november, but i'm reluctant to quit starbs and start the campaign full time without knowing for sure that i'll have a job after the election.  this would be a step in the right direction for my careeer, but i can't risk not having a job for any period of time.  plus i'd more than likely have to travel to and live in another city for my next campaign and i'm not sure how long my car would last if i did that.  ugh.  so many things to figure out. 

i'm sure i could write a lot more, but for now i need to get food then get to work. 

i’m writing this in microsoft word while sitting in my bed because i don’t feel like getting up and going to my computer.  i just want to lay in bed and cuddle with my handsome bear and listen to the first cd amanda made for me.  

i cried for the first time in four months tonight.  the last time i really cried was the day i started t, and even that was just a few tears of happiness.  each night gets a little harder.  i spend most of my days sleeping or working, and talking to amanda, so i don’t leave much time to think about anything else, but at night when the day is winding down and i try to fall asleep i’m overcome with thoughts of what’s going to happen in a few weeks.  i’ve tried to be so strong about it, for my sake and for amanda’s, but it’s getting harder for me to not think about her leaving.  

it’s hard for me to imagine at this point not being able to just drive 40 minutes to see her or to surprise her, not being able to cuddle with and kiss her and hold her hand.  so many things in this city remind me of her.  even though she’s still here and i still see her all the time, i drive by places we’ve been before and miss her.  but then i get to see her shortly after that and everything’s okay.  it’s going to be hard to drive by all those places in a few weeks.  but at the same time, it might be nice because i can think about all the amazing times we’ve had at certain places.  whenever i drive back from the office into the city, i see the science museum and remember the absolutely wonderful day that we had there.  dancing and drinking the night away at grand central (and outside of it at pride), bingo at the hippo, her favorite billboard on charles street, the tapas place we went on a date to one time, my starbucks, the avenue in hampden, the evergreen, malden ave, my house, my couch, my bed and so many other things.  all of those things remind me of her every time i see them, but instead of getting sad, i’m making a promise to myself that they’ll only remind me of all the good times.  of course i’ll miss her when i think about it all, but i want to smile when i think about it, not cry.  i’m sure there will be crying in there every once in a while, but we’ve made too many incredible memories together for me to just be sad all the time.  and i figure if i busy myself and don’t spend my days being sad, it’ll make october 8th come a lot more quickly.

it’s funny how writing all of this out has made me feel better.  i think had i decided to not write and just go to sleep that i would’ve ended up crying myself to sleep.  i’m still sad, and i’m sure this won’t be the only hard night that i have in the coming months, but going through all the memories that amanda and i have made over the last couple of months, as well as thinking about all the new ones that we’ll continue to make, has made me feel a lot better for tonight.  i’ll be going to sleep smiling now.